Big on Sundays! Miss It, Miss Out

My favorite form of weekend entertainment here just might be reading the Sunday paper. Ugandan newspapers take pride in their attention-grabbing headlines, emotional storytelling, and expert opinions – all which lead this American to regard it as A+ entertainment. Let me indulge you in a few excerpts from the Sunday Vision (who's catch phrase is the title of this entry).

Articles in last week’s edition included:

“Defilers Should Be Castrated,” “My Husband Was Meant to Be a Witch,” “Mother Throws Child into River,” “Twins Drown in Pond,”  “Jilted Husband Kills Wife and Son,” “It’s a Girl-Crush,” and… “The Rupture” (while the rest of the world was eagerly waiting for the Second Coming, Ugandans apparently feared an earthquake? Could be one and the same I suppose. The editing here reminds me of the Boulder Daily Camera – oh burn).

A thought provoking column “Sunday Wisdom” posts eloquent-sounding, yet moderately confusing thoughts to ponder, including these gems (note: grammar and spelling appear as written in paper):

 -- A good idea like a sweet kiss, depends on demand and suppy; in both cases equilibrium obtains in form of an action.

And

 -- Mental pregnancy of ideas is all that is required because natural phenomenon will take care of the delivery.

The main advice column “Ask Antagonise Aunt” provides the true expert advice.

A guy wrote in about how his ex-girlfriend broke-up with him, yet she continues to call “once or twice a month and asks to come over and we end up in bed together.” He feels all she wants is sex because she never wants to talk otherwise (rocket scientist in the making!), and he seeks the Aunt’s advice on how to handle the situation. Her response almost made me choke on my toast:

What kind of man complains about getting free ‘things’ from a girl…Do you know how much self-respect she has to lose to be able to pick up that phone and give you a booty call? You know how much sacrifice she has to make to be able to call you up just for sex? I mean she risks alienating herself from the entire female population.

Now if this is not selfless martyrdom on her part, I do not know what is. That and she is paying you the best compliment you will ever hear. She is saying to you, “Look here Ken, I think you are great in bed and everything, but not so much in our family album.” I suggest you draft a quick apology letter to that girl that we can help you run. Throw in a sorry line to me as well, and to three billion men who want so desperately to be in your shoes.  

I sincerely hope you all chuckled while reading these as much as I did. I will be sure to continue keeping an eye on the paper for more memorable quotes. 

Happy Memorial Day weekend!